[slumps shoulders and breathes deep sigh]
Easter. The day where families get together to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead; even families who don’t normally go to church. It’s a big service, full of happiness, music, and celebration of the promise of new life. And afterward, families look forward to a big meal with family and friends.
We can’t go to church together normally, and that feels bad enough, but Easter magnifies the hurt one hundred fold; even more than Christmas. I was so busy trying to figure out a plan of attack for an Easter egg hunt that Easter slipped my mind. Last year my parents watched our son, and the four of us were able to go as an incomplete family. Even so, I couldn’t stop the tears and was wiping them away the whole service because we were still not together as a family. We had to leave our son behind. Thankfully, most people probably thought that they were tears of joy or something because I am pretty good at acting, but my friends knew. After the service, a friend pulled me aside and gave me a gift. I was so moved and I blubbered out I loved her, which I love all my friends, but It still seemed like I just made things a little awkward. I’m good at that 😉 . In the car after the service, I opened it and found a necklace inside. It was a metal pendant with the word “speaks” on it with a little puzzle piece charmed dangling beside it. I cried.
This year, I can’t bring myself to ask my parents to watch our son again. They are Christians too, and I don’t want to keep them from celebrating at church. So I start trying to problem solve Easter, and I just can’t. So, the best I can come up with is one of us will wait in the car with Taylor while the other is in church with our daughter, and halfway through we switch positions so technically both of us gets to go to church with our daughter. I know I will cry in the car. I find myself asking “Why God, why?” I know we were never promised fair, but the desire to scream “It’s not fair!” seems to be waiting on deck in our throats.
We weren’t promised fair, or easy. And unfair and hard just plain stink. I found myself crying to God, “Why don’t you fix this?? You walked on water and told a storm where it could go; Why won’t you help?” And honestly I don’t know why. Sometimes He is silent, and we get scared and feel abandoned. But I started really thinking about Easter. Not the service, but the holiday itself. It is more than a service, a meal, and even the empty tomb. It is about what the empty tomb means, and most people stop at “It means we get to live with God in Heaven, forever.” But for me, it means that and more. It’s not just only that we will live in Heaven forever. We will live with Him, and He will make all things right.
He will wipe all the tears he has seen while we are on Earth. He will finally be able to explain. And, Taylor will be made whole.
No more anger, frustration, sadness, no longer having no voice. He will be able to speak, I will finally be able to really fully get to know my son. We can talk about everything of our lives on Earth. He will be free. I will be able to hear a loving, clear, strong “Mom”, and get a big warm embrace and hear “I love you.”
This is what the empty tomb means to me. So while I sit in the car in the church parking lot (praying that Taylor stays put and doesn’t struggle to get out of the car) I will be reading my Bible and the promises of yet to come, and dream.
This is the meaning of Easter to me.
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