I was cleaning up, with my Rug-Doctor, standing water in the kitchen this morning. Taylor has this new found obsession with flooding my kitchen and dining room floors, strips naked, and uses it as his own personal indoor Slip-n-Slide. As I was doing this I was thinking about how Emma used to call me ‘Mommy’, but now it’s a mixture of ‘Mommy’ and…’Mom’. Soon it will only be ‘mom’. (There is no back story on that. It was just a truly random thought. My distractible random brain surfaces from time to time.
When did I become old enough to be a mom? It kind of feels like a revisit of the feeling when you take your first baby home from the hospital…They are going to trust me with this? Don’t they know how many times I lose my keys?
It’s not that I don’t feel almost 35. (However, I will not claim that number until 9 days from now!) I am fine with being in my mid thirties. But sometimes my weaknesses and failings get me wondering, Are they really going to let me raise these kids? Don’t they know about my coffee addiction that’s so bad I dream of owning a coffee keg and an IV drip?
I think it’s just one of those days when I am dreaming of that golden-yellow halo, shaped like a small special needs bus, coming down my street. Could it be coming to me (sarcasm intended)? Why yes! I think it is! Then I fall to my knees, in my driveway, praising Jesus and crying at the same time. Alleluia! There is a God. He is good, all the time! All the time, he is Good!, and every other phrase I can think of. Then I might get up and dance in the street as if I’m at a revival.
Yes, I’ve thought this through. And oh yes…I’m ready for school.
I have one of those counting down paper chains in my head. You know the ones that kids make at Christmas time?
Sometimes I start feeling bad. On Facebook, many times the official site for curing happiness, I read of so many people posting about how sad they are for summer to end, and I feel like a bit of a heel. Because, here I am, just sputtering to the end of summer, like a marathon runner seeing the finish line in the distance. Almost there. One foot in front of the other. Almost there….
I’m not jealous, as in consumed in envy of the other awesome moms out there. I’m just frustrated that I can’t feel like I could post about my sadness with the start of a new school year.
But I know I’m not alone, because I’m starting to see a trend changing in Facebook. It isn’t a viral type trend, but I see, more and more, people being vocal about being in the same boat as me. Our kids are driving us nuts, and we wonder if the courts would consider an insanity plea, after we throw our kids through the windows (So kidding! All my windows have visibility to other people…Once again, sarcasm intended☺️)
I’ve come to a point where I’ve matched myself up to other moms, either as a way to see how well/not well I am doing, or as a measuring stick to see where I should be, so much (too much) that thankfully my heart just can’t do it anymore. Nobody is the same and no situation is the same. I am who I am. I am made to be me, by God. I wonder if He would be offended that I am trying to be someone else?
One night, I was driving in my car wishing I could be like a certain other mom, I heard God speak to my heart. Stop trying to be __________. Just be the you I made.
So, for now, I will tell myself I am a good ‘mom’. I will tell myself that I am enough to break free from the I don’t feel mature enough, good enough, put together enough to be called ‘Mom’. I’m sure I will fall back into the comparison trap, and the process to get out of it will feel like déjà vu. But for now, I am owning my situation…That I am a tired mommy and this mommy needs some reprieve in the form of a new school year so I can be the best mom I can be for my kids.
So to all the moms out there like me…
On that first day, when you send your kids out the door, drop them off at the school, or watch them float away in that golden halo, know that all of us are raising our already half empty coffee mugs in a toast to you. Enjoy your first day of school everyone! 🙂
As always, positive comments are welcome. Negative hurtful comments will be trashed before I can even finish reading them. I have many readers who are emotionally vulnerable, and I will not post comments that will further harm.
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