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 Easter…

[slumps shoulders and breathes deep sigh]

Easter. The day where families get together to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead; even families who don’t normally go to church. It’s a big service, full of happiness, music, and celebration of the promise of new life.  And afterward, families look forward to a big meal with family and friends.

Not me.

We can’t go to church together normally, and that feels bad enough, but Easter magnifies the hurt one hundred fold; even more than Christmas. I was so busy trying to figure out a plan of attack for an Easter egg hunt that Easter slipped my mind. Last year my parents watched our son, and the four of us were able to go as an incomplete family. Even so, I couldn’t stop the tears and was wiping them away the whole service because we were still not together as a family. We had to leave our son behind. Thankfully, most people probably thought that they were tears of joy or something because I am pretty good at acting, but my friends knew. After the service, a friend pulled me aside and gave me a gift. I was so moved and I blubbered out I loved her, which I love all my friends, but It still seemed like I just made things a little awkward. I’m good at that 😉 . In the car after the service, I opened it and found a necklace inside. It was a metal pendant with the word “speaks” on it with a little puzzle piece charmed dangling beside it. I cried.

This year, I can’t bring myself to ask my parents to watch our son again. They are Christians too, and I don’t want to keep them from celebrating at church. So I start trying to problem solve Easter, and I just can’t.  So, the best I can come up with is one of us will wait in the car with Taylor while the other is in church with our daughter, and halfway through we switch positions so technically both of us gets to go to church with our daughter. I know I will cry in the car. I find myself asking “Why God, why?” I know we were never promised fair, but the desire to scream “It’s not fair!” seems to be waiting on deck in our throats.

We weren’t promised fair, or easy. And unfair and hard just plain stink. I found myself crying to God, “Why don’t you fix this?? You walked on water and told a storm where it could go; Why won’t you help?” And honestly I don’t know why. Sometimes He is silent, and we get scared and feel abandoned. But I started really thinking about Easter. Not the service, but the holiday itself. It is more than a service, a meal, and even the empty tomb. It is about what the empty tomb means, and most people stop at “It means we get to live with God in Heaven, forever.” But for me, it means that and more. It’s not just only that we will live in Heaven forever. We will live with Him, and He will make all things right.

He will wipe all the tears he has seen while we are on Earth. He will finally be able to explain. And, Taylor will be made whole.

Whole…

No more anger, frustration, sadness, no longer having no voice. He will be able to speak, I will finally be able to really fully get to know my son.  We can talk about everything of our lives on Earth.  He will be free. I will be able to hear a loving, clear, strong “Mom”, and get a big warm embrace and hear “I love you.”

This is what the empty tomb means to me.  So while I sit in the car in the church parking lot (praying that Taylor stays put and doesn’t struggle to get out of the car) I will be reading my Bible and the promises of yet to come, and dream.

This is the meaning of Easter to me.

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Sarah

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7 Comments on Easter is More Than Bunnies, Eggs, and Farther Reaching Than Just Finding an Empty Tomb

  1. Thank you so much! We DO have autism! I am thrilled! Crazy, right? But it’s a relief to hear from a professional that yes, without a doubt, this kid is autistic. It’ll still take a while to get that official diagnosis but now at least I have a clearer vision of what I can do; I have an explanation I can give others; and I can advocate for people when I see that they are in need of help too. Our new nurse-psych gave us some basic step-by-step, this is what to do today, advice as well as some really helpful affirmation and vindication. Keep writing!
    Amy recently posted…July 2014My Profile

    • Amy,
      So sorry to wait so long to get back to you! So much has happened lately, that I’ve been too busy to blog. I am happy for you. It’s not weird. Check to see if you can qualify for a program that is part of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). It is called the K-plan in my state, but might go as a different name in yours. It is designed for people with autism and developmental disabilities. See if you can get into a disability case worker with your county. They would know more and, as I understand, your key to getting it. It will help with equipment and supports you might need that traditional insurance won’t cover. Plus it will cover ABA therapy, which I highly recommend. You can Google it to learn more. Please start blogging again. And let me know when you do! 🙂 Keep in touch!

      Much Love,
      Sarah 🙂

  2. If you recently prayed for me, thank you. We received a phone call today offering us a cancellation appointment for tomorrow morning w/ a nurse-psych. We were originally scheduled for June. Right now my kiddo is screaming one syllable repeatedly at his sister through the door…. I’m trying to stay my own violent over-reaction to his violent over-reaction. Sigh.

    • Oh Amy! I am so happy for you! It is morning here now and I hope your appointment is/was filled with hope and/or direction. I am so sorry about last night. I’ve been there, and I haven’t always dealt with it the right way. I’ve been praying for you off and on throughout the day.

  3. Thank you! We do have some appointments lined up, and I went to a support group meeting the other night (me! alone! out of the house!) and the woman leading it has a 21yo son who is non-verbal and living at home. (He has only an older sibling). It was amazing to hear her story and to see her JOY!

    I must have found your blog by googling something about institutionalization, because at one point a couple of months ago I was wondering if we would need to consider that option. I’m sure we don’t, but I think the first post I read of yours was where you were talking about group homes and having to consider that in your family’s future. The home that I grew up in, a beautifully-kept Colonial outside Boston that my grandparents owned before my parents bought from them, is now a group home for adult autistic men. Isn’t that amazing? My parents sold it while I was pregnant with the child who now might be autistic. God… only God could plan that.

    Happy Easter!

  4. Your story just touches me so. I don’t know how I found your website recently, but here I am. I lost my blogging voice a few years ago.. I wasn’t giving glory to God, and anyway I just didn’t know what to say anymore. I no longer had any helpful parenting insights to share, so why bother? It’s taken me five years to realize my son must be autistic, and he is only just barely so: not diagnosed yet, and maybe not enough to be diagnosed. But even with this minimal situation, I feel like I am walking your same path of questioning, anger, helplessness. I’ve got five kids and they are all hard in different ways, but with this one child I am just so stumped, so flailing, it’s been so hard. Not only did we become a dysfunctional family, we became a non-funtional family. So please keep writing, about the hard things, about the things that make you angry, and every so often about that glimmer of hope, that vision of glory that you’ve been shown, that the blindness we have here will become light.

    • Hi Amy! I’m not sure how you found my site either. Not because it isn’t public, but that it’s still small and I haven’t paid for advertising yet 🙂 ; But I’m glad you did. I would love to see you blogging again. You don’t have to have any nuggets of wisdom to share. Just share your heart, and let God do the rest. Share what you feel. That’s all you need to do. If not for the public, then just for you. It’s a great way to process this stuff. Thanks so much for the encouraging words.

      There definately is such a thing as a child being just mildly affected by autism. It’s called high functioning or even aspergers. And there is hope :). Find a child psychiatrist, if you can. They can make sure and lead you in the right direction. I know it’s hard; How hard this can be on family. I know the feeling of disfunction, and it hurts like you never thought you could. I’ll pray. You aren’t alone.

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