Taylor had surgery two weeks ago to remove his tonsils and adenoids as well as drain his ears and place ear tubes. The surgery went well. There was little blood loss and Taylor experienced no nausea that we could see. He just had a lot of pain. I know it is a common surgery for children, but many people who say that don’t remember getting their tonsils out. I had the surgery 8 years ago at 20 years. It may be 8 years ago, but I remember the pain as if it were days ago. That made it much harder to put him through the ordeal. The doctor found thick fluid in his right ear. We are hoping his hearing will improve. The doctor thinks that it should and we have seen some signs that it has. I felt a little, not sure of the right word but, selfish making Tay have the surgery. Part of me wanted to go through with this in the hopes that it might improve his behavior and asberger or ADHD symptoms; that it all might just be because of his tonsils and hearing problems. I was worried that I was pushing for a surgery that was not needed just for the chance that it might help. I felt desperate. The other part of me knew that it was a good thing to have done. I was relieved when it turned out to be a very necessary move. I am tired; physically yes, but much more emotionally. I appear to function, but many days I seem to just be holding on. Most people, if you were to come up to me and ask how I was, I would tell you I am doing well. I am learning how to be more honest with my well being. I am used to needing to always help myself and never lean on others. I lean on God as much as I can and hope He understands when I don’t even have the ability to trust or have faith. I talk to him through all of that. I have to stay connected even if it means telling him of my lack of faith and hope. I love my son with all I am, but people’s glances and judging looks kill me inside. I fight to keep our family normal. I refuse to let Taylor and the rest of us think that anything that isn’t “typical” means you are a freak. I’ve become tired of people’s expert opinions and I’ve found that the most judgemental people are the ones who think they are in your same situation. You’d think they would understand the most, but each special situation is just that, special. One child could have ADHD just like another, but that doesn’t mean that one ADHD child is more of ADHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD and the other is more like ADhD. But the parents think they know what the extra hyper child and family are going through and they judge when you can’t keep your child nice and calm at all times. I talked with a friend at church the other day. We told him what is going on in our family. His sympathy and support was so incredible, it made me fight back tears. So many people tell us they think it must be so tough, but it is rare when a person feels deeply for your hurt. You come away from that thinking “how with all they have in their life can they care about mine?”, and yet I know the answer. Christ’s love is what and why, and then I wonder why I am not able to be like that. I ask God to change me, but I have no energy to help with the change and honestly most change is not comfortable and knowing I don’t have much room for more pain or discomfort I fear my prayers are half hearted. I told our friend this and I really do feel it; I used to ask God to cure Taylor or to make him normal, but then I realized what if God forsook His plan and gave me what I wanted and because of that I ruined some amazing things God had planned for Taylor. So I had to somehow change my prayer, but I had no idea what to pray. So now all I can pray is God help me. My friend told me that sounded like the heart of Mary, but I don’t feel deserving enough to be compared to her. Her devotion to God’s will seemed almost immediate. Mine took months, even years, of God shoving me where He wanted me. He is still shoving I fear, maybe now I can say He is now only having to push instead of shove. I am not always so downtrodden that I can barely function. I just feel right now as if I am at that point in the Footsteps poem when Jesus carries me.

Sarah

As always, positive comments are welcome. Negative hurtful comments will be trashed before I can even finish reading them. I have many readers who are emotionally vulnerable, and I will not post comments that will further harm.

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Sarah